Jokes

If Dr. Seuss Was An Engineer...

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
and the double clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
and your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash.

If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
but your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,
that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,
and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
then you may as well reboot it and go out with a bang,
'cause as sure as I'm a poet, that sucker's gonna hang.

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
and the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risk,
and you have to flash your memory and you want to RAM your ROM,
quickly turn off your computer and be sure to tell your mom.

Tech Support

Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No .. wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry....

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Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?

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Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates ya know.

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Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...

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Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.

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Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.

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Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...

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Tech support: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?

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Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?

Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.

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Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.

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Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.

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Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?

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A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine."

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And last but not least...

Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!

1981 Bill Gates Quote

"640K ought to be enough for anybody."

-Bill Gates, 1981.

Questions On The Redneck Engineers License Exam...

Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10-pound possum.

Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard? 66 Ford Fairlane, 69 Chevrolet Chevelle, 64 Pontiac GTO.

If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine per hour, how many car radiators are necessary to condense the product?

A woodcutter has a chain saw that operates at 2700 rpm. The density of the pine trees in a plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweisers will it take to cut the trees?

If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the decrease in the ozone layer?

A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?

A man owns a Tennessee house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has 5 children. Can each of the children place a mobile home on the man's land?

A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep grade on a secondary road at 45 mph. The brakes fail. Given the average traffic on secondary roads, what are the chances that it will strike a vehicle that has a muffler?

A coal mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during the shift?

At a reduction in gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town that has been bypassed by the interstate to breed a country-western singer?

LAMO @ the 'Tech Support' ones

I get some pretty weird answers from clients at times :/

Funny though!

LOL

Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and... 
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates ya know.

Reminded me like some time I ask customer to click Install button in admin panel and hear back from him: "I dunno how to do this, i'm not a programmer!"

Just remembered from my life: 

Some time ago I've made a website design for my customer (female, around 40 y.o.), sent on email then. In a couple hours have a phone call from her, very disappointed and nervous:

— My website isn't working!

— What website do you mean?

— The one that you've made!!!

— I haven't made a website yet, which one do you mean?

— I've got a website on email from you today, it doesn't work!!!

Then it appears that she was clicking all around PNG picture of design sketch I've send her earlier, thinking it's a real website online... Hard life.. :)

I've had clients do this too... "clicking all around PNG picture of design sketch I've send her earlier, thinking it's a real website"... *LOL*  

This is a new one to me... very funny :-) "Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?"

 OMG this brings back old memories... the things we did to get beyond the 640K limit. *LOL*